Reflection Value

"So, 3 years of my Poly life are gone now and what have I learnt so far. Well, without a doubt they will be the 3 years of basic engineering skills i've obtained and some other stuff that I cant learn elsewhere.
I've made friends from around the school, I guess thats a good thing? See, most of my friends that came to TP since year one have been expelled due to certain reasons and I find it quite hard to socialise with others as well. That made me quite introverted when I have class to attend alone. People from around the school will hardly see me around after my time table ends as I usually head straight back home because there is nothing else to do. I dont have a CCA or some event that I have to attend most of the time. True, I know that by going to such activities will enable me to make more friends but I dont feel good when I'm with people I dont know. I've done charities set up by the engineer people call L.I.F.E or something, I had to go door to door collecting used books from houses around Pasir Ris. I thought, why not? Maybe I can do some good deeds while getting to know new people. But things just turn out that I get outcasted as they all are already friends and its hard to get into their circle of thoughts and humour because I find them really stupid. Prior to that, I've joined the E-Guides and that made me worse. All they do is cheer and bad mouth others. I just cant handle politics with people gossiping about others I dont know about, and I have to agree with them just to be friends with them. Cheering is also another huge obstacle for me as I cant get into the mood to do that. Call me weird or strange, well thats who I am.

Whatever it is, I managed to ski through 3 years of my Poly life. I still get to know great people that can click with me; that have the same level of mentality and thoughts. However they do not have the same time table as me so I'll just have to deal with it from time to time. Studying together would also be an issue because we dont stay close together so we hardly meet up except during school time. I know that cannot be a reason why my grades are so low but you have to understand that it affects me a lot. Without the morale to study, without the motivation, I understand that I have to deal with it but I just cant. Thats why I hated going to school every morning, knowing that i'll probably go home alone. I see people around school normally walk in pairs or in a big group with that huge smile on their face enjoying their poly life. I'll just have to walk pass them looking down, beaten and tired. I've tried to put on a brave front and walk with confidence along the concourse alone but thats just lying to myself and I hated it.

I've always blamed it on my o'level results as I just missed a point to get to a business course where there are much more girls to ogle at with my new friends. I then slowly realised that I'll still be the same as I'm just me. I guess I really did screw up my poly life and wasted 3 teenage years. Well that aint going to bring me down because I know that all of these will change in the future, and no-one deserves to be so helpless at what life throw at them.


*Ps: Our conversation on the phone just now, you said stop running away already. That made me realise that I should really stop. Thanks, that meant something.




F**J***Y***
(********E) "



Yes life's like that.

Feb

4 months later, nothing much changed for him. He tried to want something different. He tried to want to change. He cant. He will always be a shadow. A follower. He dont want to be nice anymore, he dont want to the one always caring for the rest. He want to be the one in need. He needs help.


I find that only with different perspective, then we can be happy. Thats somehow lying to yourself.